Years ago, when I was in an argument with a loved one, a wise friend asked me, “Would you rather be right than loved?” It was an eye-opening question that I often return to during interpersonal conflicts. It feels good to be right. When you’re right, it means you’re not wrong. And if you’re not wrong, you […]
Would You Rather Be Right Than Loved?
The price of always needing to be right is emotional distance
Welcome to Spiritual Boot Camp
How sheltering in place builds inner strength when there's no place to run
I’m sitting on Zoom, counseling Deborah, a single, 28-year-old client. Tears stream down her face as she anguishes about quarantining by herself in her one-bedroom Brooklyn apartment. A self-described “codependent” and committed ALANON newbie, Deborah has been working on her tendency to cling to unhealthy relationships to avoid being alone. We were two months into therapy when […]
Sitting on My Couch, I Find My Ruby Slippers
How I'm reframing my narrative about coronavirus
Every seven years, a crisis blows into my life, launching me into a queasy tailspin. Usually when the storms hit, I fight them, flailing my feet in search of an elusive foothold, until my resistance exhausts me, and I land in my own private wreckage. I never imagined that my next twister would be a […]
How to Actively Listen During Triggering Conversations
Whenever I’m faced with a difficult conversation about an emotionally charged issue, I always ask myself, “How can I listen in a way that is open to really taking in what the other person shares? How do I not immediately get caught in needing to prove that I’m right? What I can get curious about […]
From Mindless Din to Deep Mindfulness
The Journey of Spiritually-Oriented Psychotherapy
Several years ago, I participated in a group exercise at a job orientation that became a guiding metaphor about how to remain connected to my inner voice amid the noise of modern life. The goal of the exercise was to walk from one end of a large room to the other, blindfolded, while navigating an […]
Are You Hiding Your Inner Rock Star?
The Masks We Wear Can Help - or Hurt Us - in Life
Although I indulge in watching viral videos, I rarely play them more than once. But I can’t seem to stop watching Adele fooling a bunch of her own impersonators by pretending to be one of them. There is something Shakespearean in the way she dons a prosthetic nose and chin, feigns a bad case of […]
It’s Not Whether You Win or Lose, But How You Tell Your Story
Redefining What It Means to Have a Happy Ending
When I was young, one of my favorite books was Sugarcane Island, which was the first “choose your own adventure” type of interactive book. The premise was fairly simple: You had been shipwrecked on a deserted island. The goal was survival and finding your way home. At the end of each chapter was a list of […]
Flip the Script
Are You Miscast in Your Own Life?
In the movie “Stranger Than Fiction,” Harold Crick is a robotic IRS agent who begins to question his mundane existence when he hears a mysterious voice narrating his life and foreshadowing his death. When he discovers that he is not the master of his own destiny, but rather a fictional character, Crick tracks down his […]
“Inside Out” Teaches Us that Every Emotion has a Purpose
As a therapist, I often feel like a tour guide for my patients. Using various “maps” and my knowledge from years of traversing the emotional terrain, I help them navigate the territory of the mind and make sense of what they discover. Pixar’s “Inside Out” took that journey one step further, introducing the indigenous people […]
Accessing Your Inner Superhero
Each of us is on a journey. This journey is our story. And naturally you are the protagonist in this story, which like any story, has conflict. And no one can resolve this conflict but you. As therapist Kim Schneiderman, LCSW, MSW, writes in her excellent book Step Out of Your Story: Writing Exercises to […]
