Kim Schneiderman
Psychotherapist, Author, Columnist, Writing Workshops

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Would You Rather Be Right Than Loved?

The price of always needing to be right is emotional distance

Years ago, when I was in an argument with a loved one, a wise friend asked me, “Would you rather be right than loved?” It was an eye-opening question that I often return to during interpersonal conflicts.

It feels good to be right. When you’re right, it means you’re not wrong. And if you’re not wrong, you don’t need to change. And if you don’t need to change, the other person does! So you’re off the hook, with your self-esteem intact.

Of course, sometimes we don’t start conflicts and thus feel, quite understandably, that it’s not our fault. Additionally, there are times when it’s important to stand up for ourselves, assert our needs, or let loved ones know when they’ve done something that has hurt us.

But generally speaking, pointing fingers is a common pattern that usually perpetuates conflicts, as it tends to put the other person on the defense. Even if you emerge from a disagreement feeling righteously satisfied, you may still need to address the rupture in your connection, lest it fester into distance and resentment.

In her groundbreaking bestseller Hold Me Tight, couples therapy guru Sue Johnson calls the vicious cycle of finger-pointing “Find the Bad Guy.” The dynamic describes an “accuse/accuse” dynamic in which both parties frantically try to win arguments at the cost of losing the relationship. 

According to Johnson, the founder of Emotionally-Focused Couples Therapy (EFT), distance inevitably creeps into any relationship, whether it’s romantic, familial, or plutonic. The distance may be felt when one person continually shows up late, doesn’t do the dishes, or is too busy to make plans with you. When this happens, we might interpret the actions personally, making up a story—for example, this person doesn’t care about, respect, or appreciate me or my time. The more we feel deep down that we are not enough, intrinsically bad, invisible, the more we are likely to project ill intentions onto our partners.

But rather than expressing the underlying feelings to the person—for example, the fear or sadness at the loss of connection—we go on the attack, accusing the person of being selfish, lazy, or perhaps mentally unstable. This is because in the moment of agitation, our fear or anger triggers our defenses, making it hard to get to the softer, deeper emotions underneath. This often degenerates into a battle of competing examples of each other’s failures in order to prove a point. As they spa over who’s right, each becomes more and more unhappy. 

The great irony, of course, is that this dance is fueled by a desire to connect, which is being hijacked by the need to be right.

Shifting from Fault to Role

The first step to stopping the dance is the recognize the pattern and impact it’s having on the quality of the connection. In an effort to be right, are you feeling more and more angry, resentful, sad, disgusted, frustrated? When you’re not with the person, do you find yourself obsessing over the details and imagining telling them off?

Notice what that does to your body, and the feelings toward the other person. Does it make you want to withdraw, cheat, or punch something? If so, ask yourself whether being right is worth that feeling.

Once you recognize the emotional toll and futility of the dance, you can begin to change the steps by reframing how you view disagreements. Instead of thinking who is at fault, you can ask yourself, “what is my role in the situation?” For example, when your husband doesn’t follow up on his promise to do the dishes, do you tear into him about being lazy and self-centered? Or maybe you withdraw, or hold back from saying anything to avoid a fight, while you quietly stew in resentment. Both responses will ultimately create distance in the relationship and can easily trigger a vicious blaming cycle, creating external or internal turmoil.

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Feeling Seen and Connected:

An 8-Week Healing Journey for Enneagram 4’s and their Parts

  • Do you often feel misunderstood?
  • Do you envy other’s ease, lightheartedness, and vitality?
  • Do you consider bad artistic taste and lack of originality a capital crime?

If you answered “yes” to a few of these, then there’s a chance you are a “4” in the Enneagram personality system. And that’s a good thing. The Enneagram is a non-hierarchal model that recognizes nine, interconnected types, each with their own unique gifts, vulnerabilities, and paths to self actualization.

Often described as “Artists,” “Romantics” and “Individualists,” Type 4s tend to be creative, self-aware, emotionally honest, empathetic, and highly attuned to meaning and beauty. Yet, type Fours can at times feel like melancholy unicorns, believing that the world doesn’t value what they have to offer, and may therefore question their worth.

That’s why I’m offering an 8-week group for Type 4s that will explore the intersection between the enneagram with Internal Family Systems, a holistic therapeutic model that believes we all possess of core spiritual self and a constellation of parts that help us survive and thrive.

Through psycho-education, interactive sharing, meditations, and writing exercises, you will: deepen your understanding of your parts and how they align with the enneagram regard more entrenched parts of your personality with more compassion and humor feel seen, appreciated, supported, and connected to others recognize your gifts and place in the world; and tap into your innate source of vitality, peace, and inspiration

When: Thursdays, 7 – 9 p.m. EST

Where: Online Dates: 9/29, 10/6, 10/27, 11/3, 11/10, 11/17, 12/1, 12/8

Cost: $399 for 8 weeks

A brief free screening is required for group participation.

For more information, please email me at 914-393-6501.


Reframe Your Narrative About Challenging Relationships

A 10-week Online Course with DailyOM

Tired of people pushing your buttons? For as little as $10 total, you can liberate yourself from self-defeating patterns around people who trigger you. Register here to receive 10 weekly insights, writing exercises, and guided meditations you can access whenever you want.

Lesson 1:  Soul Narrative vs. Self-Defeating Story
Lesson 2:  Exploring the Power of Choice and Voice
Lesson 3:  Your Adversary as Your Personal Trainer
Lesson 4:  Embracing Your Strengths and Superpowers
Lesson 5:  Getting to Know Your Inner Antagonist(s)
Lesson 6:  Dialoguing with the Parts that Get Triggered
Lesson 7:  The Yoga of Character Development
Lesson 8:  Supporting Characters, Tools and Resources
Lesson 9:  Giving Ourselves the Blessing We Seek
Lesson 10: The Golden Happy Ending

A FULL HOUSE AT THE NYC BOOK SIGNING!

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About The Author: Kim Schneiderman

Psychotherapist and freelance journalist Kim Schneiderman utilizes research-based methods to help people who are stuck – in a dead-end job, relationship, of life stage – imagine themselves as the star of their own stories with the power to reclaim their personal narratives. Drawing on the elements of a story that many of us learned in high school (premise, scene, plot, conflict, climax, resolution), readers will assign titles to different chapters of their lives, observe recurring themes, identify supporting characters, and explore how conflict creates opportunities for personal growth that can lead to a meaningful resolution. They will also be asked to examine how the decisions we make, both big and small, affect our storyline – the relationships we choose, how we spend our day, and how we nourish ourselves, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Unlike most self-help writing workbooks, most of the exercises in Step Out of Your Story are framed in the third-person voice, freeing readers to see beyond their usual point of view. Psychological research suggests that people are more likely to view their lives favorably when they see themselves as characters in a story. In a 2005 Columbia University study reported in the Journal of Psychological Science, test subjects who spoke about difficult chapters in their lives in the third person narrative displayed more confidence and optimism than those who recalled bad memories in the first person. By retracing their steps from the perch of the third-person narrative, people were more likely to regard their problems as something outside themselves – challenges they had conquered or adversaries they had defeated - instead of character flaws. Additionally, the perception that they had overcome obstacles left them feeling more confident to face the future.

Step Out Of Your Story

STEP OUT OF YOUR STORY

Writing Exercises to Reframe and Transform Your Life

Every life is an unfolding story, and how individuals tell their story matters. Recent Stanford and Columbia University studies show that how we view the story of our life shapes the life itself. Who are the heroes and villains? Where does the plot twist? How are conflicts resolved? Learn more...

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