Kim Schneiderman
Psychotherapist, Author, Columnist, Writing Workshops

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How to Actively Listen During Triggering Conversations

Whenever I’m faced with a difficult conversation about an emotionally charged issue, I always ask myself, “How can I listen in a way that is open to really taking in what the other person shares? How do I not immediately get caught in needing to prove that I’m right? What I can get curious about so that I can understand the other person more deeply?” and “How can I empathize with their pain and narrative while without compromising the integrity of my own pain and experience?”

This is the challenge of active listening—to get your ego to step aside so we can deeply understand another’s experience. It can be especially challenging if we are uncertain whether they, in turn, will be able to understand our pain, we hear the faintest prelude to a character attack, or if we start to feel defensive or doubtful about our own stance.

Active listening is different than simply hearing. You can hear words that come out of a person’s mouth. But taking them in, reflecting on them, letting them penetrate your heart is an entirely different experience.

That’s why active listening requires trust and respect. The listener must trust that the speaker will express themselves in a respectful, non-attacking way. The speaker must speak respectfully, and trust that the listener is truly interested in taking in what is shared. The unspoken agreement is both the active listener and speaker must be mutually invested in understanding each other and coming to a positive resolution. If one party doesn’t care, or intent on blaming, such listening will be impossible.

The basic goal of active listening is to help you step into the shoes of the speaker so you can get a felt sense of their experience, and reflect back what you’ve heard until they feel understood. Only then can you step back into your own experience.

Here are some general guidelines that nurture active listening: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-novel-perspective/202010/how-actively-listen-during-triggering-conversations

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Reframing Your Narrative About Challenging Relationships

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About The Author: Kim Schneiderman

Psychotherapist and freelance journalist Kim Schneiderman utilizes research-based methods to help people who are stuck – in a dead-end job, relationship, of life stage – imagine themselves as the star of their own stories with the power to reclaim their personal narratives. Drawing on the elements of a story that many of us learned in high school (premise, scene, plot, conflict, climax, resolution), readers will assign titles to different chapters of their lives, observe recurring themes, identify supporting characters, and explore how conflict creates opportunities for personal growth that can lead to a meaningful resolution. They will also be asked to examine how the decisions we make, both big and small, affect our storyline – the relationships we choose, how we spend our day, and how we nourish ourselves, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Unlike most self-help writing workbooks, most of the exercises in Step Out of Your Story are framed in the third-person voice, freeing readers to see beyond their usual point of view. Psychological research suggests that people are more likely to view their lives favorably when they see themselves as characters in a story. In a 2005 Columbia University study reported in the Journal of Psychological Science, test subjects who spoke about difficult chapters in their lives in the third person narrative displayed more confidence and optimism than those who recalled bad memories in the first person. By retracing their steps from the perch of the third-person narrative, people were more likely to regard their problems as something outside themselves – challenges they had conquered or adversaries they had defeated - instead of character flaws. Additionally, the perception that they had overcome obstacles left them feeling more confident to face the future.

Step Out Of Your Story

STEP OUT OF YOUR STORY

Writing Exercises to Reframe and Transform Your Life

Every life is an unfolding story, and how individuals tell their story matters. Recent Stanford and Columbia University studies show that how we view the story of our life shapes the life itself. Who are the heroes and villains? Where does the plot twist? How are conflicts resolved? Learn more...

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