Sometimes, despite your good intentions and clear communication, you can still get blamed for something that isn’t your fault. Once you’ve reflected on your possible role in the situation, it’s important not to take on emotional baggage that isn’t yours, lest it weigh you down. For a variety of self-protective reasons, some people are simply […]
Would You Rather Be Right Than Loved?
The price of always needing to be right is emotional distance
Years ago, when I was in an argument with a loved one, a wise friend asked me, “Would you rather be right than loved?” It was an eye-opening question that I often return to during interpersonal conflicts. It feels good to be right. When you’re right, it means you’re not wrong. And if you’re not wrong, you […]
Welcome to Spiritual Boot Camp
How sheltering in place builds inner strength when there's no place to run
I’m sitting on Zoom, counseling Deborah, a single, 28-year-old client. Tears stream down her face as she anguishes about quarantining by herself in her one-bedroom Brooklyn apartment. A self-described “codependent” and committed ALANON newbie, Deborah has been working on her tendency to cling to unhealthy relationships to avoid being alone. We were two months into therapy when […]
Sitting on My Couch, I Find My Ruby Slippers
How I'm reframing my narrative about coronavirus
Every seven years, a crisis blows into my life, launching me into a queasy tailspin. Usually when the storms hit, I fight them, flailing my feet in search of an elusive foothold, until my resistance exhausts me, and I land in my own private wreckage. I never imagined that my next twister would be a […]
How to Actively Listen During Triggering Conversations
Whenever I’m faced with a difficult conversation about an emotionally charged issue, I always ask myself, “How can I listen in a way that is open to really taking in what the other person shares? How do I not immediately get caught in needing to prove that I’m right? What I can get curious about […]
Writing from the Larger Narrative of Your Life
My interview with New Dimensions Radio
Writing From A Larger Narrative Of Your Life with Kim Schneiderman
How Are You Growing?
Changing Our Catch-Up Conversations Can Help Us Feel More Connected
I recently bumped into an old friend who had been struggling emotionally. As I opened my mouth to ask for an update, I stopped. In a flash, I recalled times of turmoil when that simple, well-intended question had stung, forcing me to choose between a perfunctory response or vulnerability and shame. So instead of “how […]
From Mindless Din to Deep Mindfulness
The Journey of Spiritually-Oriented Psychotherapy
Several years ago, I participated in a group exercise at a job orientation that became a guiding metaphor about how to remain connected to my inner voice amid the noise of modern life. The goal of the exercise was to walk from one end of a large room to the other, blindfolded, while navigating an […]
Your Anger Knows Your Worth
10 Steps to Turn Your Temper into Your Teacher
Imagine you live in a castle. One day, when you let down your drawbridge, you’re overrun by a horde of hungry hooligans. The rascals rummage through your halls, plunder your pantry, and consume all your food and booze, leaving a trail of mayhem. As you enter the scene, you feel your temper rising. However, you hold […]
The Self Lost and Found
How Creativity Holds Up a Mirror to Our Inner World
Maria was a 31-year-old artist who sought help to disentangle herself from a dysfunctional relationship with an emotionally abusive man. For the past few weeks, she had been seized by a compulsion to paint self portraits. She portrayed her likeness from various angles, experimenting with different hues and styles. She explained that she had “lost […]
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