Kim Schneiderman
Psychotherapist, Author, Columnist, Writing Workshops

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How Are You Growing?

Changing Our Catch-Up Conversations Can Help Us Feel More Connected

I recently bumped into an old friend who had been struggling emotionally. As I opened my mouth to ask for an update, I stopped. In a flash, I recalled times of turmoil when that simple, well-intended question had stung, forcing me to choose between a perfunctory response or vulnerability and shame. So instead of “how are you?” or “what have you been up to?”, I asked a different question – “how are you growing?”

She smiled and replied, “That’s a great question,” and proceeded to tell me, over an impromptu frozen yogurt, about all she had been learning lately about life and herself.

As a psychotherapist, teacher, and author of book about reframing your story, I’ve thought long and hard about the ways in which we routinely communicate, and whether they serve or stifle us. As a society, we often check in with each other about what we are doing or accomplishing, but rarely with how we are being or evolving. When was the last time you bumped into a friend who announced, “Great news! Yesterday, I conquered my need for my boss’s approval, and today I didn’t scream at my son when he accidentally spilled milk all over the floor!”

Consequently, the subtle, often unrecognized personal victories that build character — such as facing a fear, changing an attitude, or kicking a bad habit – end up being buried under narratives of weddings, promotions, vacations, and other more traditional ways of measuring success.

Especially as a therapist, I’ve find these seemingly inconsequential conversations, and the values they implicitly prize, often have a more insidious impact on my people’s self esteem.  My clients often weigh in with feelings of inadequacy, as they measure themselves purely by their outward achievements and compare themselves to others. Some are quick to dismiss my praises for facing their fears or overcoming anger because they believe such accomplishments are not tangible, and therefore less valid.

The trouble is that growth not shared, is also not seen, and what’s not seen is often undervalued. This can lead to feelings of alienation and invisibility, interfering with feeling connected to others. Changing the conversation from greatness to growth demands that we challenge taboos against revealing vulnerability, and abide by research which shows that vulnerability is the key to intimacy and belonging.

Read more…

 

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Reframe Your Narrative About Challenging Relationships

A 10-week Online Course with DailyOM

Tired of people pushing your buttons? For as little as $10 total, you can liberate yourself from self-defeating patterns around people who trigger you. Register here to receive 10 weekly insights, writing exercises, and guided meditations you can access whenever you want.

Lesson 1:  Soul Narrative vs. Self-Defeating Story
Lesson 2:  Exploring the Power of Choice and Voice
Lesson 3:  Your Adversary as Your Personal Trainer
Lesson 4:  Embracing Your Strengths and Superpowers
Lesson 5:  Getting to Know Your Inner Antagonist(s)
Lesson 6:  Dialoguing with the Parts that Get Triggered
Lesson 7:  The Yoga of Character Development
Lesson 8:  Supporting Characters, Tools and Resources
Lesson 9:  Giving Ourselves the Blessing We Seek
Lesson 10: The Golden Happy Ending

A FULL HOUSE AT THE NYC BOOK SIGNING!

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About The Author: Kim Schneiderman

Psychotherapist and freelance journalist Kim Schneiderman utilizes research-based methods to help people who are stuck – in a dead-end job, relationship, of life stage – imagine themselves as the star of their own stories with the power to reclaim their personal narratives. Drawing on the elements of a story that many of us learned in high school (premise, scene, plot, conflict, climax, resolution), readers will assign titles to different chapters of their lives, observe recurring themes, identify supporting characters, and explore how conflict creates opportunities for personal growth that can lead to a meaningful resolution. They will also be asked to examine how the decisions we make, both big and small, affect our storyline – the relationships we choose, how we spend our day, and how we nourish ourselves, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Unlike most self-help writing workbooks, most of the exercises in Step Out of Your Story are framed in the third-person voice, freeing readers to see beyond their usual point of view. Psychological research suggests that people are more likely to view their lives favorably when they see themselves as characters in a story. In a 2005 Columbia University study reported in the Journal of Psychological Science, test subjects who spoke about difficult chapters in their lives in the third person narrative displayed more confidence and optimism than those who recalled bad memories in the first person. By retracing their steps from the perch of the third-person narrative, people were more likely to regard their problems as something outside themselves – challenges they had conquered or adversaries they had defeated - instead of character flaws. Additionally, the perception that they had overcome obstacles left them feeling more confident to face the future.

Step Out Of Your Story

STEP OUT OF YOUR STORY

Writing Exercises to Reframe and Transform Your Life

Every life is an unfolding story, and how individuals tell their story matters. Recent Stanford and Columbia University studies show that how we view the story of our life shapes the life itself. Who are the heroes and villains? Where does the plot twist? How are conflicts resolved? Learn more...

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