Are You Carrying Baggage That Doesn’t Belong to You?

The difference between caring and caretaking

Imagine you’re walking down a path when you encounter a stranger carrying a boulder. Suppose the person bemoans their aching back and offers a litany of reasons why they can’t put the rock down.

Feeling your heart tug, you might point to the slab of granite in your own arms and say, “So sorry. I get it. Being human can be tough.” You might even briefly set yours on the ground and offer to hold their boulder with them to relieve some of the pressure.

But suppose you carry it for them, either because you can’t bear their pain, or you feel responsible. As you continue your journey, the extra weight will probably slow you down and strain your back. Now, you not only have a herniated disk, but you’re also resentful.

And here’s the thing… chances are, no matter how relieved your new friend initially felt, they would probably find a replacement boulder because, for reasons they haven’t taken time to understand, their arms feel empty without one.

Some people confuse caring with carrying. And while these words may look and sound alike (though not etymologically related) those two extra letters can make a weighted difference in how we respond to other people’s emotional baggage, particularly in relationships.

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Psychotherapist and freelance journalist Kim Schneiderman utilizes research-based methods to help people who are stuck – in a dead-end job, relationship, of life stage – imagine themselves as the star of their own stories with the power to reclaim their personal narratives. Drawing on the elements of a story that many of us learned in high school (premise, scene, plot, conflict, climax, resolution), readers will assign titles to different chapters of their lives, observe recurring themes, identify supporting characters, and explore how conflict creates opportunities for personal growth that can lead to a meaningful resolution. They will also be asked to examine how the decisions we make, both big and small, affect our storyline – the relationships we choose, how we spend our day, and how we nourish ourselves, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Unlike most self-help writing workbooks, most of the exercises in Step Out of Your Story are framed in the third-person voice, freeing readers to see beyond their usual point of view. Psychological research suggests that people are more likely to view their lives favorably when they see themselves as characters in a story. In a 2005 Columbia University study reported in the Journal of Psychological Science, test subjects who spoke about difficult chapters in their lives in the third person narrative displayed more confidence and optimism than those who recalled bad memories in the first person. By retracing their steps from the perch of the third-person narrative, people were more likely to regard their problems as something outside themselves – challenges they had conquered or adversaries they had defeated - instead of character flaws. Additionally, the perception that they had overcome obstacles left them feeling more confident to face the future.

Imagine you’re walking down a path when you encounter a stranger carrying a boulder. Suppose the person bemoans their aching back and offers a litany of reasons why they can’t put the rock down.Feeling your heart tug, you might point to the slab of granite in your own arms and say, “So sorry. I get it. Being human can be tough.” You might even briefly set yours on the ground and offer to hold their boulder with them to relieve some of the pressure.But suppose you carry it for them, either because you can't bear their pain, or you feel responsible. As you continue your journey, the extra weight will probably slow you down and strain your back. Now, you not only have a herniated disk, but you're also resentful.And here’s the thing… chances are, no matter how relieved your new friend initially felt, they would probably find a replacement boulder because, for reasons they haven’t taken time to understand, their arms feel empty without one.Some people confuse caring with carrying. And while these words may look and sound alike (though not etymologically related) those two extra letters can make a weighted difference in how we respond to other people’s emotional baggage, particularly in relationships. READ MORE...